Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
So that’s what we looked like?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Breaking news:
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.