How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You Might Also Like
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends