genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Never forget.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A friend helps you before you need it
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Generation gap…
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?