Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”