Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.