Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me