I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”