Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.