I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.