God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie