If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou