the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Solving a traffic jam
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.