Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK