Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.