My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Beware of fowl play.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
english majors be like furthermore
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
when revenge coincides with naptime
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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