The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.