the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
You Might Also Like
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Stop sending me this shit.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?