[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
#growingpains
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.