Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.