Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear