An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I have so many questions.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
🖤✌🏽