I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.