It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man