Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
mariah carrie
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
o shit
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again