Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”