what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.