[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.