This why you should mind your business
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Social Media and Real life
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I hate everything
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead