We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: