You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.