[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?