[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*aggressively waits in line*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.