Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting