Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?