Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.