flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
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This woman is my idol. Free her.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
🤣🤣
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Deer are just ballerina dogs
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree