Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.