Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
That was easy.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle