Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me