My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.